For the love of a dog (or two or three).....

I realize I have taken an extended break from my blogging. (not that I have a crowd of people shouting for my return lol) I have been in an emotional slump. I lost the absolute love of my life in September. My dog Mimi lost her battle with cancer. I like to think she has been reunited with my dad whom she always loved and who, in return, loved her. I thought I was somewhat prepared for her end. I was wrong. She had been fighting it for almost a year. She had surgery to remove a large tumor back in late Spring and the vet said "...it will either come back or it won't and if it does, it will come back angry". Damn if he wasn't right. It came back with a vengenance and we decided that there would not be another surgery. She turned nine on September 11th and I could not put her through that again. After consulting the vet and my kids we all decided that we would just love her until the quality of her life started to decline and then we would love her enough to let her go. She did well for quite awhile. Eating, running, playing (snoring and farting) and being her usual self. She had started to get a little grouchy with her furry friends when she was ready to get some rest. Mimi was always great with all other animals and while she was not mean to any of them, she made it clear when they needed to back off. That was the only change in her at all. I thought we would see some indication that things were starting to change. I thought that there would be some time to build myself up for what was coming. I was wrong once again. The bottom dropped out in a 24 hour period. She woke up one morning, ate, went outside to potty, played in the yard a bit with her "niece" Marley and then came inside. She had started laying on a big gasp dog bed in my room because it had gotten hard for her to get up on my bed. She went in there and layed down and never got back up. I do not know exactly what happened but she had lost feeling and control in her back legs. She did not appear to be in any pain but I was freaking out. This of course happened on a Saturday night and our vet was out of town on vacation. Mimi was an unbelievably well behaved and house trained dog. Even when not being able to feel, she somehow managed to not want to relieve herself. We spend Saturday night feeding her ice chips when she had her "I need a drink" whine and then, using a blanket underneath her, stretcher style, two of us would carry her outside and hold her up so she could potty. ( she continued to have her "I need to go" face and talk) We would then carry her back inside. This was no small task considering she was a classic Johnson with maybe a cough tad bit of extra weight. She weighed in at 120 or so and was solid. A beautiful tribute to the American Bulldog breed. We did not leave her alone in my room because she would cry if someone wasn't with her at all times. I layed on the floor by her during the night and rubbed her until she slept. The morning we took her in was the most heart wrenching day of my life. Losing my father is the only thing that has ever hurt me more and I will be honest, this was a very close second. Everyone took a turn saying their goodbyes to her. My older kids spent time alone with their "sister" and loved on her one last time. She and I had a good heart to heart and she looked at me with those almost human AB eyes full of so much love and trust. We made the trip in to the vet and I held her while the end came. I could not imagine allowing her to make that final journey without me whispering in her ear. I chose to have her cremated so she can always be with me. This might sound obsessive to some people but they are the ones who have never known the true love and loyalty of a dog. I continue to mourn for her and often find myself randomly crying over something that reminds me of her. She had such character and personality that her absence leaves a large void my life. While I have other animals, their presence is not the same as that of Mimi. She was somewhat larger than life and known by everyone. This is common for that breed. They are almost human like in their ways. It was during this time of combing the internet for anything and everything about American Bulldogs that I came across something that is helping me fill the void left by Mims and something I think she is smiling down about. (and yes, she really did smile) I discovered the American Bulldog Rescue society. I have lived for a long time with blinders on. I mean I knew that there were a lot of animal shelters and that they were full of critters that needed homes for whatever reason. I was also aware that several of these places were kill shelters. I kind of kept that in the back of my mind as one of those unpleasant realities of life. As someone that has always treated my pets like my children, I never once, not one single time, ever thought that any of these animals had ever been someone's pet that they had purposefully abandoned or mistreated. I was an idiot. I discovered a whole other world. A world where these dogs are not treasured and cared for. There are hundreds of Mimi's out there being abused, neglected and abandoned. I was sick. I am still sick. I scrolled through these faces and stories and cried and cried. The kids did the same. We have decided that we are going to adopt one of these babies and give them the life they deserve. I have filled out the paperwork and have had contact with a foster mom and we are going through the process. I only wish I could bring them all home. If you have never been around this breed, you have no idea how special they are and what they can bring to your life. We will change the life of one dog by bringing him or her into our family and he will forever change ours as well. I have also decided to make some personal changes that will allow me to help support this group and care for the ones I can't bring home. I am going to read my magazines online, skip eating out as often, buy my diet coke at the store and take to school instead of spending the money in the machine and I am going to donate monthly to this group. That may not sound like a lot but it will add up and every little bit can make a difference. I encourage each of you to do the same. Five dollars here or there or whatever you can spare. Go to americanbulldogrescue.org and donate using Paypal. It is a safe and secure way to give and you can make a huge difference in the life of a dog. We all spend money on things we don't really need and won't really even notice we are going without. That could be food, medicine or shelter for a dog who may die without it. Please consider donating or adopting or at least trying to get the word out to people that you think may be willing to help. Do it for the love of a dog. Do it for my Mimi.

word for the day: judgmental

Ok kids, today's word is judgmental. The dictionary tell us this is an adjective that means 1. of or concerning the use of judgment OR 2. having or displaying an excessively critical point of view. Today seems to have been the day for this not so charming character trait to come to the surface in many people. It started with a person who informed me that people with tattoos are immoral and lacking self esteem. Those of you that know me well are already picturing in your heads the outcome of this conversation. I was, sorry to disappoint, relatively calm in my response. (Maybe the positive thinking stuff is rubbing off) The crazy thing is, that is twice this week that that very same opinion has been voiced by different people. I calmly replied that morality is subjective and my self esteem is perfectly fine. What baffles me is that she firmly believed she could make an accurate judgment of me based on her OPINION of tattoos. Where would these ideas come from? She has her ears pierced. Did she feel the need to adorn her ears with jewels because her self esteem was low? Why does what another person chooses to do with their own bodies bother someone else? This was followed by a story being told to me by a friend who has a child of another nationality. He told me his wife had been asked why she had to fix the little girls hair like a black person. Well for one, the child is indeed, black. She is a beautiful Ethiopian girl. The fact that her parents are white does not matter to her or to them. They are a family. They love each other. Who cares if one of them is purple with pink dots and how does it possibly make a difference to anyone else's existence? So I come home bewildered as to why so many people exhaust themselves worrying about other people's choices and am going to relax and peruse Facebook. Here I come across a person's status about people with nose rings. In all fairness to this person I will say that his status was not in itself judgmental. He was inquiring as to why someone would want something you could hang your keys on dangling from their nose. A fair question which can really only be accurately answered by someone with said ring. Even that person's answer however would only apply to their own personal reasons so maybe a poll of some sort would be better. The judgmental part came from a comment to this particular post. A person stated that someone having a nose ring such as that has no self respect or respect for others. How in the hell is a nose ring disrepectful to someone else? As for their self respect, that goes up there with a person's self esteem being questioned because of some ink. Why do these things bother people? If you want to cover yourself from head to toe with ink, knock yourself out. Pierce your nose, eyebrow, lip, cheek. Shave your head or color your hair pink. Do whatever you want to express yourself and be happy. This does not matter to me because they are YOUR choices. Those outward expressions do nothing to change who you are on the inside. There are many, many seemingly upstanding citizens who are sans body art, piercings or any other signs of "immorality" who are indeed so lacking in morals and character that I would not want them anywhere near me. The same can probably be said of many people who HAVE acquired those things but it is not the choice of a tattoo that made them immoral. I have tried never to judge a book by its cover and have raised my children to be the same. They have friends of many sizes, shapes and colors. Religious choice or lack thereof does not shade their choice in friends either. We have a few homosexual friends and even some rednecks. I have always asked them to base their choices on things that really matter and they have done that. I find it amusing that the people who tend to be the most judgmental of the lot are the conservative religious sort. (again, not all of the people in that category are in fact judgmental and I would not rule a person out as a possible friend based on that criteria alone) These are the same people who drag their little white children to Sunday School and have them memorize Jesus Loves the Little Children. You know the song. Jesus loves the little children. All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world. Does that sentiment only apply until they reach a certain age, remain tattooless, and don't fix their hair in a "black" way? Just curious. Maybe some of these people should really read their good book that they like to misquote. I am pretty sure that the man they are so fond of praying in the name of seemed to be a rather forgiving and embracing kind of person. But then again, what do I know? I am immoral and have no self esteem..........

Until next time,

R.

Update on the Karma to-do list

I thought I would update you on my Karma to-do list. (Assuming any of you care.) I would like to tell you that I have been wildly successful at following my list and that it has resulted in a sudden turn of the course of my life and brought me great wealth and happiness. I really would like to tell you that but I can't. I CAN tell you that I am working on that list daily. Somedays I do well and somedays don't go so great. I have been kind to several people who did not deserve it and it, sadly, did not make me feel any better. My hope on that one is that I am collecting cosmic points that will build up and bring me some reward of good luck in the future. I have seriously decreased the number of times that I use the F bomb in any given day. Not eliminated but decreased. That is progress, right? I have been pretty successful and loving what I have and not getting "things" for the sake of getting them. Before you pat me on the back for that one you should probably know that while I really am trying to love the things I have without wanting more my lack of obtaining "things" from my wish list has more to do with my financial situation than it does my actual willpower but that should count in the grand scheme of things. I don't know that I have had a positive thought for every negative one but I have been working on that too. As for the lifestyle changes, those too are a work in progress. Going back to school has led me to get a little more sleep than I was getting. I have cut way down on diet coke consumption and have been eating better. However, I have noticed that the less diet coke I drink the more prone I am to saying the "f" word and not really worrying about being unkind to the hateful people when I come in contact with them. Maybe life is a great balancing act after all. :)

Until next time............

stranger danger and the need for correct punctuation

Due to some unfortunate circumstances with one of our children, my best friend and I had a conversation the other night about the evils of technology. You may consider this to be hypocritical considering the avenue to which this information is coming to you but I would prefer to look at it as ironic. I am going to make myself sound old with the following statement, but I can't believe how much the world has changed in the last 15 years. Practically every person over the age of 12 has a cell phone. Even my 76 year old mother uses one! Hardly anyone writes checks anymore or even mails their bills. Hell, we don't even get actual paper bills. We use debit cards and pay for things over the phone or online. We view our bank statements, and all of our bills with the click of a mouse. If you have a computer, a debit card, and reliable internet service it is feasible to take care of everything in your life without ever leaving your home. Food, clothing, medicine, you name it and it can be delivered to you for the right price. In the beginning this was exciting. How much easier life would be! We could now talk on the phone no matter where we were or what we were doing. We could conduct business or catch up on personal news 24/7. We could email someone and instant message and not have to wait days for a letter to get to someone and days again for the reply. We could fax documents! Instant receipt of contracts and signatures. How awesome this is. Then the social networks arrived. Myspace and Facebook allowed us to connect to long lost friends and even strangers. Again, this is amazing, right? Not so much. Flash forward a few years. We are now connected to people 24 hours a day no matter where we are. You can even connect to the internet using your phone! In the life of an adult this is sometimes overwhelming. I miss the days of getting in the car and going shopping without getting twenty phone calls or text messages. There is no peace and quiet. In the life of a teenager, this means staying connected to the already dramatic world that teens live in. There is no escape for them. Everyone knows everything about everyone else and they know it in the instant it takes to hit "send". They also leave themselves open to the risk of exposure to strangers. Gone are the days of the 'don't talk to strangers' talks. Now we have to say don't talk to, instant message, accept email or friend requests from, or any in form, in person or via the phone or internet, have any contact with or give information to someone you do not know or have not had in-person contact with and who is not known by your parent or legal guardian. Does that cover it? Possibly, but only for today. Something will change soon that will have to be added to the warning. The internet has given us all a supposedly secure anonymity. It's ok to talk to strangers online. It's ok to say things online or via text that you would never have the nerve to say to their face. Things seem harmless under the veil of this security blanket. Well let me tell you, they are not harmless. I know of several young and truly innocent kids who have said things and done things online that they would never do in person and they really have a hard time processing that those actions are one in the same. I know of more than one couple who is currently having some serious marital trouble because some online flirting got out of hand. When does virtual cheating become real? Do we even know the difference anymore?

A less ugly side of this situation, though just as serious, is the erosion of our language. We communicate in abbreviations without punctuation or capitalization. Btw, omg, oic, and on and on. Our kids are growing up in a world without actual written word. Spell check covers their butts with no mind to the fact that spelling and context are two different things. The handwriting of most kids is not even legible because they have no need to practice it. Words are not the form of art that they once were. This makes me sad. As a lover of language, I won't let it go without a fight. I don't want our children to think that communication comes only in the form of a computer or a phone. I want them to know how to write a letter and to introduce themselves face to face while making eye contact. I want them to be articulate, well mannered, well spoken individuals. I do not believe that is too much to ask or an outdated concept.

So, do I think that communication technology should be abandoned or that it is, in itself, responsible for the evil of the world? I do not. I myself will continue to enjoy using Facebook to communicate with friends and co-workers. I will also blog and shop online. I will text and make calls from the car or the elevator or wherever I happen to be. However, I will also make a better effort to make written contact with people. I will send a greeting card or letter to someone. I am going to start keeping a written journal as well. I will also encourage my children (both my birth kids and my school kids) to do these things as well. Life is changing and that is not always a bad thing but life is also HAPPENING and it is happening away from the computer screen. Go out and experience it and maybe even pick up a pen and some paper and write about it!

My Karma TO DO List

I have decided that my ridiculously bad luck stems from some kind of bad karma. Apparently I do not emit the right vibes to make good things come my way. EVER. So I am going to make a legitimate effort to do some things to redirect the current wave of yuck that is my life. I will now treat you to my list of ideas. For those of you that know me personally, please refrain from laughing.

1. BE KIND TO PEOPLE WHO ARE UNKIND Yes. I am serious. I figure if nothing else it will throw them off balance enough to get away from them.

2. STOP SAYING THE "F" WORD. Again, I am serious. Ok, maybe not stop entirely but limit it to a "need to" basis and yes, there are some times that you NEED to drop the f bomb. Surely that will eliminate some of them? Right?

3. LOVE WHAT I HAVE. You know, appreciate the 125 purses I have instead of wanting another one. I need to minimize some of the junk in my life both the material and mental.

4. COMMIT TO SOME LIFESTYLE CHANGES Here is where the laughter really belongs. I need to eat better and get into a normal and regular sleep pattern. I suppose I need to throw exercise in there too.

5. TRY TO FIND SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY. Self-explanatory I assume.

6. HAVE A POSITIVE THOUGHT FOR EVERY NEGATIVE ONE THAT I HAVE. Also self-explanatory.

So it is not really a long list. I figure you have to start somewhere. I will keep you updated on my experiment. :)

I remember being that age!

As my children have found their way into adulthood, I have found myself in that puzzling place where I think of them as the "kids" yet I remember being that age and feeling like anything but a "kid". I cook for them and do their laundry and baby them and they like that. They like that EXCEPT when they suddenly want to exert their independence. I hear " I am an adult. I don't need you to do A, B, or C." I hear "I can take care of myself. I don't need you to wonder when I will be home." I hear these things from the same people who text me "Mama, what are you fixing for dinner?" and "Mama, will you make cookies?" and "Did you wash my work shirts?". I think there needs to be a manual detailing things that mothers are allowed and not allowed to do for children over the age of 18. I try to give them room. I really do remember being that age. I remember thinking that I did not need anyone to tell me what to do anymore. However, I was also married and a mother when I was 20. Do I wish that for either of my grown children? NO. NO. Ten times NO. I do, however, wish they understood some of that responsibility. They need to understand that they can't really have it both ways. Kid on one side and adult on the other. To quote one of my favorite movies, "You can't ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean.", please make my kids/adults understand that!

Let the music move you

I am always amazed by the power of music. It has the ability to evoke so many emotions in me. The right song can move me to tears or take me back to a warm summer evening in a car with the windows rolled down. I don't believe that music can make you do things you don't want to. Please do not mistake this for some Tipper Gore inspired rant about playing songs backwards or heavy metal being responsible for a sudden spike in murders. She was, and probably still is, delusional. Kids don't kill because they are following subliminal orders from Ozzy and lord only knows that people were masturbating long before Prince recorded his first song. I am just pointing out that music truly is mood altering. I believe in can sooth the savage beast as the saying goes. Music with the right beat has been proven to calm a person and change their brainwave pattern. Science aside, music has power.The power to take make us laugh or smile. Sing along at the top of our lungs or silently with tears streaming down our faces. It has the power to take us to a different place and time. Certain songs can almost make me SMELL the suntan lotion and salt water. For instance, Hot Child in the City will place me in my sister's jeep on our way to get yogurt. I am far older than my 7 years riding in that jeep. The wind is blowing in my hair and I am excited at the prospect of staying at my sister's house where I could stay up late and eat whatever I want. Any track from Van Halen's 1984 puts me on a boat lazily floating the lake with my family. Too Young to Fall in love brings me face to face with the first boy to make my heart skip a beat. I can smell his cologne and see his shaggy blond hair as clear as if I could reach out and touch him. Appetite for Destruction will return me to the beaches of Southern California the summer before my senior year and many crazy days and nights spent in "hollyweird". The right song from that album will carry me into my senior year and put me in a car with my best friend trying to figure out how to hide boys from her dad. Youth Gone Wild will find me in the parking lot of my high school burning our senior flag with my classmates, many of whom I would not see again for 20 years. There are many, many more songs in my soundtrack of life. I don't have the time or space, nor do you probably have the inclination to read them all. My point is that maybe music is the illusive time machine the sci-fi junkies search for. Maybe we do have the power to be somewhere in the past. Maybe all we need is the right beat........

Until next time...

R